Love, Kaidan
by FireLordFrowny
Summary: The Reapers are gone. And perhaps it was a long time coming, but so is Commander Shepard. In the wake of all this monumental grief, and as humankind struggles to rebuild, Kaidan can't bring himself to accept that Shepard is gone for good this time. So Kaidan writes to him anyways.
1. 1

Shepard.

You did it. Somehow I think I knew you would. I knew you would either save humanity, or die trying. I just… didn't think you would die succeeding. I didn't think I would have to walk away from this without you. I don't know why it didn't occur to me as a possibility. It's selfish, I know, but part of me had taken solace in knowing that if the reapers won, at least I wouldn't have to live without you. There'd have been comfort in dying with you.

Don't get me wrong - I'm so incredibly grateful to you, and I don't mean to sound as though I'd rather be dead. I would never dream of squandering your sacrifice by even thinking about such a thing. Everyone left in our world is alive because of you.

I keep thinking about that first time I bought you dinner. At Apollo's. And how you said it would be nice to have someone to live for. Well, in the midst of all this loss and grief and trauma that I think would otherwise kill whatever is left of me, that's what I'm doing. Living for you.

But I don't think I can convince myself to go on if I go about life like you're not here. Like you're not _with me_ somehow. So I guess that's why I'm writing to you. It probably sounds silly. If you were next to me right now you'd probably laugh at me and call me a sap. You'd be right. But I don't know how else I can remind myself to stay where I am. Alive. Along with the rest of humanity, a testament to your unyielding resolve.

I wish you were here.

With all the love in the world,

-Kaidan.


	2. 2

Shepard.

Things are rough.

Joker lost his whole family. Edi tried to comfort him and said some awkward AI things that only made it worse, if you can imagine that. I didn't know what to say to him at all. I think I understood that there was nothing _to_ say. It's awful, watching all of this. Watching soldiers come home to bad the worst news of their lives. Everyone thinks they're prepared for it - they get here _expecting_ to find that people they love are gone forever, but the anguish hits them hard like they never saw it coming. I feel like hell, knowing that despite what we all fought for - what you died for - nothing can ever truly fix the damage done to our people.

Rebuilding seems impossible. No one even wants to think about it just yet. The smoke still hasn't even settled. Things are still burning. People are still dying - illness, injuries… suicides… I've never seen anything so thoroughly broken as our world is right now.

I feel like I'll die if I try to properly comprehend all this grief. It's hard enough to live with my own pain. But seeing everyone - _literally everyone_ around me going through the same anguish… knowing that our grief is shared across solar systems… just thinking about it opens up this chasm in me, wide enough to swallow up the whole galaxy.

Still, I try to be a leader. I think it's what you would do, if you were here. I heard about what happened on the Citadel after the Crucible didn't fire. They say you were already dying by then. But Hackett radioed you. And you said, "What do you need me to do?"

And then you did it.

And you saved us all.

So who am I to give up now?

There's something that needs to be done, and I struggle to find the resolve to do it, but I _do_ do it.

For you.

For humanity, yes, but mostly for you. After all - at this point, "Shepard" and "Humanity" sort of mean the same thing. Something strong. Something resilient. And eternal.

With every breath we take, I remember you.

I miss you.

Love,

-Kaidan.


	3. 3

My mother arrived today, Shepard.

She was upset that I hadn't yet tried to find her, and I suppose she had the right to be. I was surprised by how guilty I _didn't_ feel, though. The work being done here is enough to think about. If my thoughts strayed to my family for too long, I'd never be able to get anything done. I was productive when I thought only of you, and of what needed to be done. But now that mom is here - now that I've seen her, heard her voice, hugged her… there's a whole new nature of weight on my shoulders.

She never heard anything new about my father. But I think I came to terms with him being dead months ago. And at the moment, mom is too thrilled that I'm alive to want to talk about anything else.

For the first time in all this, I feel lucky. So many people lost everything and everyone, and I get to have my mother again. She told me that when she heard you did not survive the war, she feared I hadn't made it, either. She said, "I know how you were, about that man. Following him into hell even when he didn't have a way out. Stupid!" You never met my mother, but I wish you could have. You would have loved her. She would have hated you. It would have been great. She's this tiny, angry Ukrainian woman with an accent as thick as her heart is big. I'm looking at her right now - she's stirring a pot of soup she's making for a group of kids we've got here - and I can see in my mind's eye, what she'd look like smacking you upside the head for not greeting everyone when you walk into a room. She'd tell you in broken English how stubborn you are, and lecture you about how the world doesn't revolve around you. And I can see you smiling down at her. Man, you would get such a kick out of her.

I never told her about us. I didn't exactly know what to say. I still don't. There was never a good time to mention it. I think she knows, though. I think she's always known how I've felt about you. In a lot of ways I think you were the last to know, really. There hasn't been much of anything to look forward to lately, but now, one thing I'm eager for is finding the right moment to finally tell my mother how much I loved you.

Love,

-Kaidan.


	4. 4

Shepard.

There was a meteor shower tonight. The perseids. It was the first time in so long that the sky was clear. The Milky Way was a rare, bright streak across the sky, and I couldn't stop thinking about all those long talks you and I had on the observation deck. It's strange to remember us being up there. We kissed among those stars. We held each other. Made love. I feel like if I stare up at the sky long enough, I can feel you being that close to me again. You'd think that after everything we've been through up in space - after all the time we spent out there - that a sky like this from Earth would seem unextraordinary. But that isn't the case. Somehow it's even more magnificent. More humbling. Especially now, knowing that I may never go back.

I'm glad you'll never have to know how much it hurts to lay here on Earth without you. What I wouldn't give, just to know what it's like to hold you on solid ground. I didn't get to have you here, and I'm angry about it. I hate that each day without you just feels like something brand new the Reapers have taken from me. I hate that watching this meteor shower tonight is the closest I've felt to you since you left. It's this quiet, heavy sort of anger that just sits on my chest with a weight that makes it hard to breathe, and there is nothing here for me to take it out on. I try to believe that the simple act of living should be enough of a "fuck you" to the Reapers for me to find comfort in, but it's not. We're missing out on so much, Shepard, and it isn't fair.

I hope and pray that wherever you are, you're more at peace than I am.

Love,

-Kaidan


End file.
